Ahh the capital. So elegant, so palatial, so ornate. Actually, this capital is no more than a shanty town that invited its other shanty town friends over for Festivus dinner, and they never left. Antananarivo is truly off putting, smells of urine-doused goats, yet has a colorful beauty that only an African capital could have.
In the morning, we launched our drone from the pool deck at our hotel, and I was afraid it was going to turn into a “Black Hawk Down” incident, but luckily the only people who were tipped off were the ladies from our intimate, banana hammock massages the night before (it’s like we can’t escape them). After a breakfast of sinful decadence, we hopped in the caddy with our driver, Tina Turner, for our four hour trek to our next hotel in a national park.
I get it, Odysseus had a relatively hard time with his little drive, but he kinda just lucked out that he had a nice writer to write about it, but our journey was treacherous. Unlike Germany where speed limits don’t exist in an attempt to make a population born without a sense of humor smile, speed limits don’t exist here because they don’t have to. The two-land highways wind through breath-taking landscapes allowing a driver to easily reach speeds of 80-225 mph for 90 seconds before slowing to 10 mph to navigate obstacles. Obstacles you say? What kind, oh dear worldly traveller? Oh you know, just your average broken down trucks, cows wandering the highways, people going for leisurely strolls next to speeding cars, and self-employed construction workers. I don’t currently have a job, so maybe I’ll start destroying highways, throwing dirt in the gaping holes (ineffectively), then demanding payment from drivers, as these people do. I’ll need to downgrade my champagne tastes to photosynthesis tastes with that occupation.
On our drive, we stopped at a small reserve for local reptiles, which was incredible, grossly undertipped our guide due to poor mental math, and got to hold plenty of exotic, surprisingly soft creatures. There are many pictures to come, when internet permits.
Fighting back the surprisingly tasty Chinese food we found next to the highway on our rollercoaster of a drive, we finally arrived at our lodging in the Andasible National Park. Upon arrival, they gave us the password for the internet “if it works,” which it doesn’t, and we were promptly forced upon a “nature walk,” which was just walking along a highway at night with a lady shining a flashlight into the forest then asking for a ride home. I’m as confused as you are. Afterwards, we slugged back some spaghetti and chicken nuggets that we ordered an hour and a half prior to sitting down. Very odd this place. At least we all three took a nap on the same bed with our ornate, 110% real, tiger-printed, Versace blanket. That’s what a brick of inflation-stricken bills will get you, bicc boi.
Unfortunately, we have crunch drone videos and photos spewing out of the wazoo’s for you all, but we are currently working on 2G (like 2005) internet in the middle of the jungle, so don’t get too needy. Therefore, look at this older post in the coming days to see the media.
What will tomorrow hold? hopefully some lemurs, some wifi, and figuring out this place is not haunted by native spirits.
Luxuriously draped in a Versace tiger throw,
Christian “Maybe I have narcolepsy,” Hans “Yes, I’ll have the local light beer,” and Josef “I’m not an expert, but this beer tastes like Mountain Dew, and I don’t want to go blind” Braunfisch