Another early wake up call. However, today was not in pursuit of a flying death trap, but we were in search of something much more elusive and forbidden, a huge Tsingy. From seventh grade onward, guys always joke, jest, and jeer about the size and dangerous nature of their Tsingy’s, but no Tsingy is as large and foreboding as the great Malagasy Tsingy.
All phallic jokes aside, the Tsingy is a large, otherworldly rock formation made out of sharp, jagged, darkly-colored limestone that reaches 100 meters into the air. This UNESCO World Heritage Site is the pride of Madagascar and is revered as sacred to the local, animistic people, which means that you can’t point (I don’t make the rules, I just break them). We met our guide (literally just picked him up from a local stall selling raw meat), and we began our hour long craw through the outback with Mom and Dad up front and our guide laying in the trunk stinking like a box of forgotten takeout. When we arrived, we were once again surprised by being informed that this trek would take 6 hours, and we promptly told our Sacagawea that we would do it “the fastest he has ever seen.”
We got some tasty pix, Josef took some suggestive, 18+ Snapchats at the top (what the spirit world doesn’t know won’t hurt it), and we made our way to the car in 3 hours. No big deal. Whatever. We decided to bail on our guide’s suggested second hike, back up the oversized cheese grader from the gods, and were later told that he was simply trying to match our physical nature. Just because I have the boobs of Pamela Anderson, Christian has the legs of Tyra Banks, and Josef has the lips of Angelina Jolie doesn’t mean that we are gonna risk this beauty in a competition of strength with a local guide.
After enjoying a nice lunch at the hotel, chilling by the pool for a bit, and having to politely tell our waitress that despite our “nice eyes” and “tall yet strong figure,” we were not “top models,” as she had believed. She was about to blow our cover. We’re wearing next season’s Armani, and if this gets out to those b****es at Gucci, they will eat our lunch. We had to escape.
Later in the afternoon, we journeyed down to the local village with maw and paw for a drink (they only drink Fanta, and we found out paw actually has kids), but it was tough to watch our parents argue. Maw multiple times had to aggressively swerve 4 repeated calls from “Lemur Park,” which is a very poor attempt to disguise a little local snack she’s been getting on the side. It’s similar to when your girlfriend asks why “Papa John’s” has been trying to facetime. It’s just a new way to order baby. That’s all. However, dad saw a dog more pregnant that Octo-mom on the side of the road and tried to hit her, which put him back in a good move. Communication across languages is truly magical.
In the village, Josef balled out on some local children in soccer, becoming a tyrannical coach, and benching little Cedric for the rest of the season for refusing to get back on defense, and the other brothers became attractions as well. I, for instance, was interesting to them because they scratched my skin, which turned white then red. Haha I’m such a freak right?? Trust me, I’m the first to rant about white girls who go on mission trips to go take Facebook pictures with children of other races as social media fodder while driving their Benzes to Starbucks to get moaca-skinny-2 pump-vanilla-soy-lattes, but hanging out with these kids was just amazing. Josef genuinely said “this is the most fun I’ve ever had,” and we couldn’t agree more. Connecting with the local people, playing tag, making faces, smiling, and high-fiving helps hammer home the idea that common humanity connects us far more than race or beliefs divide us. Not to mention, we were faster and taller than them, so it’s easier to be a humble winner than a gracious loser.
With itchy skin and a new fan club,
Josef “Mbappe, I score the goals, not you,” Hans “Do you think I hurt the small kid I fell on?” & Christian “No sir, I already have the picture. I think we’ll skip the second mountain” Braunfisch