Please see yesterday for the retroactively posted content too!
Awoken at 5:30 by our Botswanan shaman, Boshi, the boys rolled our silly sleepy selves over to a light breakfast before heading out to look at souls who were bad humans in previous lives. I was amped for some coffee, but I was informed that our “hide” did not have a place to expel my used coffee later, and if I left the blind, I’d ruin the whole experience for everyone. Therefore, I was a tired ghost.
We spent the morning in a partially-underground African equivalent of a duck blind situated next to a watering hole with whom else than our LAWLZ HAWT 4 eva’s, Mike and Chris. Those playas play. These retirees have the energy of a squirrel trapped in a plane’s cargo hold (before suffocation) and have more mobile cannons than the Russians who shot down that Malaysian Airlines flight in Ukraine. Too soon?
Either way, we had an amazing time in the hide. We were within meters (so nuanced) of herds of elephants, exotic birds, things that look like stupid chickens that forgot they can fly, lions in the distance, zebras, tiny, weak impala (the Vanderbilt football team of the animal kingdom), and some Elands. The boys were equipped with smartphones, tripods for these phones, and a new technique. Christian, selling his soul to Hades for advanced intelligence, figured out how to take high quality pictures with his phone through his binoculars. This is the coolest invention since the spinning jenny. Look it up. You’re welcome.
After our adventure, we had a great brunch and were off to nap off our really tough, difficult lives. The gang were back at it this afternoon, did our secret handshakes and hit the peace pipe with our G’s, Mike and Chris, then off we went. Immediately, we ran into these massive wiener dog’s that the local people call Giraffes, but apparently those aren’t even cool anymore. Saw these big gray wieners with the Latin name “Elephants,” but those were old news. Boshi and “Captain” Morgan took us to see some Lions hanging out in the bush. These animals are both terrifying and beautiful. Word on the street is that it’s mating season, so the male follows the female wherever she goes. Also, it means that the male lion is doused in chocolate Axe body spray and touches up his pencil-thin mustache like everyone on my travelling soccer team during prom season.
Later on, we were just tooling along, and were all like “whoa, what’s up cheetahs?” and they were all like “not much fam.” Even the little baby one was just chilling eating raw meat off a rotting carcass behind a tree. Amazing how similar we are to animals. Right before sundown, we raced off to see our last big cat, the leopard. I was quietly keeping to myself the fact that I didn’t know the difference between a leopard and a cheetah, but do they know thye difference between a Hans and a Christian? I’ll give them a hint: one has clean clothes and one didn’t pack any.
We had a rough ride back to camp, but the wildebeests have officially stopped scaring us. They look like zebras who turned to the dark side, but they act and run like a 12 year old who hasn’t discovered his body yet. Dinner was bomb once again, and we’re still playing dominos to practice for our old age.
More rides coming tomorrow!
With Mike and Chris invited to Thanksgiving,
Hans “Should I be concerned the hyenas are circling,” Josef “Don’t worry, they only eat hot guys,” & Christian “We’d better hide then” Braunfisch